The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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