And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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