I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
