I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just pee around me
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
