he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
