but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
