Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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