if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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