you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
