I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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