So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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