My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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