Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
