Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
