True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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