I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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