my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
