I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
