is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
