Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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