I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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