someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
