I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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