I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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