Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I came so hard my ears popped.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
