How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
