since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
