i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sorry about my life...
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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