your parents love me but you hate me
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
