omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
