DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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