I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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