so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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