I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
