My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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