who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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