if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We need a shit load of segways right now
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
