I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
