I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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