Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
