You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
