Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
No subtext here. People are naked.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
