Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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