If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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