I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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