She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
