How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
