I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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