You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
