Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
