can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
