I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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