when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I think weed is turning my hair brown
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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