i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Randomize
