Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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