So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
