I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
