haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize