Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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