I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
