Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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